Did Devon know my intentions before he wrote this? Nope. He wouldn’t have agreed. I told him that even I wouldn’t read this. He thought no one would see it. I’m good at being sneaky, and I’ll deny having anything to do with the leak…if it gets back to him. However, I don’t know how good you are, so you might choose to play it safe and not read this. Though, if you’re like me, you’re nosy. Take a peek, but try not to hint around to him that you know he keeps a journal. It’d ruin his manly image and all. 😉
Devon Ladreth’s Journal
September 7, 2022
I hate writing. Makes my hand tired. And who’s gonna read this shit? I’m not showing this crap to anybody. But my girlfriend says I should—get this—keep a journal. Makes me feel like a girl. But when I told her that, she called me a douche bag. Wouldn’t even accept an apology, until I said I’d do it. And you know what I gotta do every time I write an entry? I gotta snap her. That’s right, she needs real time video proof that I’m doing what I said. So yeah, I’m writing with her watching. It’s kinda… hot… weird… intellectual? I’m dating a smart girl. She’s older than me by a couple of years and I don’t think I measure to her. She’s got college guys to talk to, and it’s not like I’m smart as she is or anything. She talks philosophy, I talk sports.
But she likes me. Says she sees the good in me and it gives her hope for better things. God, I gotta live up to that. But there’s so much I have to do. I want to hit something. There was a punching bag in the gym downstairs… until I broke it. I just… I was working out to my music and I got really into it, you know? In a way I can’t get into it at school or just out where normal people can see me. Huh, guess I don’t have to say normal people anymore. I should say humans. Out where humans can see me.
I read that last part out loud so she could hear it. She smiled at me.
I don’t call myself human anymore. Neither does she. I don’t know when she last did. She’s proud of being half. She doesn’t like the word vulatto though. I hate the word and I hate being half. Alien. Remasian. But I can’t fix it, so I gotta deal with it. But there’s too much to deal with. It’s not just being half, not just being un-human, it’s… the other stuff. I don’t want to write down any “sit around the circle and share your feelings bull”, but…
It’s like there’s a black hole in my gut, eating me up from the inside. Like those commercials for depression, but it’s not depression. I’m just scared shitless. Makes me want to punch through another bag. I think they’re getting a new one. Hope it’s heavier. Didn’t even break my knuckles on that last one, not that it’d matter much. Broken knuckles and fingers heal fast. Broken wrists suck, those take hours instead of minutes.
Swallowing is hard. Eating is harder. The food here’s good, I guess, but I don’t want it most of the time. I just kinda eat to live.
Damn. She made me read my last sentence out loud. She laughed. Called me a corny ass punk. I swallow easier when she laughs at me.
She doesn’t usually talk much when I’m writing. Just makes me read stuff at random to make sure I’m not just pecking keys. But just now she asked how Lyle is. I can’t just tell her fine cuz she’ll know I’m lying.
I never told her everything. God I can’t tell her everything. Can’t even write it here cuz she might ask me to read it. But she knows he’s messed up. And I can’t fix me or him. But if some god let me pick a power I actually wanted, it’d be the ability to take “gifts” away. I’d take away his telepathy and empathy and everything else that hurts him. Wonder what he’d be like without it.
Would I… like him better? I hate thinking that. It’s messed up, right? But hell, if he wasn’t my brother, I would want to murder his face. He’s a total asshole. But he’s my twin brother too and when he talks to me…. It’s been a while since he’s talked to me like he is now… but that’s my own fault. Anyway, when he talks to me, I get it. I know why he’s a jerk. I’d be a jerk too. In fact, I think he’s better than what I’d be, if I had to listen to people think all the time. I know I think dumb shit. Multiply that by infinity and that’s what he hears.
I should’ve been there to help him.
I’m gonna to be there from now on, but if I had that power I was talking about, the one to take powers away… but say I could only use it once. I’d save him over saving myself. Cuz maybe I don’t need saving. I just need to sack up, right?
Yeah, I just read that part to her. She said, Damn straight. Who tells their boyfriend to sack up? She does. She tells me to suck it up too, but to take things one at a time. So, I think about being Lyle’s friend again. Not just his brother, but his friend. And I’m working on it. Then, I think about leaving home.
And I can’t swallow again. I mean come on, it’s not like I’m moving off to college or joining the Peace Corps. I’m leaving the friggin planet, going to live with some dude I don’t remember that’s probably gonna try to act like he’s my dad, cuz he is, but he’s not. He didn’t raise me. I only know what he looks like cuz I saw a picture. Screw him.
Screw this whole thing.
I read that to her. She wants to talk for real now.
I’m done here.
**What’d you think? Don’t be afraid to let me know, and there are more entries to come! If you’re curious about what’s going on around this entry, and want to try out The Fourth Piece, you’re in luck! It’s on sale exclusively on Amazon from 9/22-9/29 for 99 cents: http://amzn.to/2d3xA39 ! Thanks and take care!**